Tips for Dealing with the Loss of a Loved One #grief #tips

 

Back in 2015, I received a phone call from my parents that would change my life forever.  After bullshitting with my mom for a short period of time, she put my dad on the phone.  He had something important he needed to tell me.  He wasted no time once the receiver was in his hands, "I went to the doctor a few weeks ago and I found out I have cancer."  At that moment, everything stopped.  I didn't know what to think, I didn't know how to feel, it was as if my entire world came crashing down on me completely out of nowhere.  I started sobbing and my ex-fiance looked over at me startled.  He grabbed me and held me as I cried hysterically, trying to ask my dad questions but not getting out anything more than sobs.  My dad told me to calm down, he was going to be fine.  He already started on something new and revolutionary - Immunotherapy.  Hell, it had saved President Jimmy Carter's life and he was in his 90s!  That gave me hope and for the next few years and I held onto that hope for dear life.

Little did I know, that news began to flood my subconscious and was the beginning of the end of life as I knew it up until that point.  I had lost my grandparents on my dad's side and my grandfather on my mom's side but was never very close to them.  So while it was sad when they passed away, it wasn't life-altering.  This was different, I've always been "Daddy's girl" and growing up I had felt gipped on time with my parents, to begin with, because they had me at a later age.  Not to mention, my dad's career with the F.B.I. took him away from us for several months at a time when I was younger.  It was only after moving to Florida when I was 11 that I really began to spend time with my daddy.  

A few months after learning of my dad's diagnosis and after some completely out of character decisions and changes I made in my life, I was hospitalized and diagnosed with a mental breakdown.  It would take almost a year for me to finally realize what mistakes I had made but at that point, it was too late to change anything.  I moved back in with my parents, all the while believing that this Immunotherapy treatment my dad was on was working.  Fast forward to mid-2017 when I noticed my dad was deteriorating before my eyes.  I was in denial and still believed that this treatment was going to save him even as I watched him struggle to do basic, everyday things.  Little did I know that a single cancer cell had mutated and that mutated cell was one that could not be treated with Immunotherapy.  My dad had to be put on chemotherapy which took a tremendous toll on him.  By late January 2018, he was in the hospital again and for four days I put off going to the hospital to see him because I figured he would be coming home soon, just like every other time he had gone to the hospital.  One night as we were grabbing dinner from the freezer in the garage, my mom insisted I go with her the next day to see him.  I thought nothing of it so the next day I got dressed and went with her.  I walked into that hospital room still completely in denial.  It wasn't until my dad told me he couldn't fight anymore that it started becoming a reality.  I begged him, I begged the doctors and nurses but he didn't have the strength to fight anymore.  I called up my fiance and told him to grab our son and come to the hospital immediately.  He was there in no time and soon after we were all saying goodbye to my daddy.  The strongest, most handsome, kindest, most loving man I'll ever know was gone at 74 years old.  

It's been more than 2 years since I lost my hero and to this day I still haven't dealt with his death the right way which has made the grieving process so much harder for me.  Instead of dealing with his death, I have done everything humanly possible to get my mind off of it because thinking about him, about losing him, is too painful.  But recently I came to the realization that this is not the way my dad would want me living my life and I've decided to make some major changes.  One of the first things I've done is research ways to deal with losing a loved one.  I'm going to share some of the most helpful tips with you in the hopes that anyone out there dealing with losing someone they loved with all of their hearts, will find comfort and peace with some of these tips.

If you feel like you're not grieving properly or if you feel hopeless or suicidal please reach out to a professional.  There is always hope for a better tomorrow.

"Grief never ends...but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love. -Unknown"

Don't be afraid to feel what you feel.  

Your emotions are going to be all over the place.  One minute you'll be feeling angry, the next sad, the next confused or lost.  Don't push those feelings away, allow yourself to feel those feelings.  Never allow anyone to make you feel as though how your feeling is wrong.  How you feel is completely natural.  If you feel like crying - cry.  If you feel like screaming into your pillow - scream.  Don't hold your feelings in.

Grief is just as physical as it is mental.

You're going to feel as though every drop of energy has been squeezed out of you both mentally and physically.  Try to rest as often as you can, don't push yourself to go back to work or to make appointments.  Ask for help with things like cooking and cleaning or picking up little ones from school, have groceries delivered, stay in your pajamas, whatever helps you get through the day.  No matter what, don't feel guilty for taking care of yourself.  If you can't take care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else either.

Grief takes time

As much as we want these horrible feelings to go away overnight, they won't.  It's been 2 years and I still feel the same way I did the day my dad passed away.  As much as we don't want to hear this, we have to accept the fact that we will be dealing with this loss for the rest of our lives.  We never get over it, we just learn to live with it.

"Sometimes it's ok if the only thing you did today was breathe." -Yumi Sakugawa

Don't be surprised at how fast others seem to move on.

Everyone grieves differently and it can be very difficult to see loved ones laughing and smiling weeks or even days after a loss.  I've found myself getting angry at some of my family members, not understanding how they could find any kind of happiness at a time like that.  But one thing that caught me off guard was that life goes on.  Even though my dad died, the sun rose the next morning.  People that had never had the pleasure of meeting him went about their days not realizing what a loss this world has suffered without him being here anymore.  Even though I expected the entire world to stop, it didn't.

Find the "thing(s)" that will keep you going.

I found that my faith grew stronger after I lost my dad because I honestly cannot imagine that he simply no longer exists on any plane.  I genuinely believe my dad is in heaven and watching over me and I have my own personal experiences that have made that belief even stronger.  I've found that "talking" to my dad has helped me grieve.  I isolated myself after my dad died and now, 2 years later, I am finally coming back out into the world.  My son is 14 years old now, in the 10th grade and he is the main reason I am getting my shit together.  He is what keeps me going along with my mom who has also had trouble grieving properly for my dad, whom she was married to for over 40 years.

Recognize unhealthy thoughts or actions and force yourself to reach out for help.

There are going to be times in everyone's life where we're "not okay" and we have to remind ourselves that it's okay to not be okay.  Seek support from others who have been in your shoes, surround yourself with positive friends and if needed, reach out to a professional if you find yourself struggling with depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts.  Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but in actuality a true sign of strength.

"Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." - Vicki Harrison

Do you have any tips for dealing with the loss of a loved one?  Please comment below and share your tips.  You never know who you might help.